That moment when it clicks. They say that it’s like a lightbulb, when you realise that they were no good from the start. But what happens when it doesn’t click? It’s like being sat in a dark room waiting for somebody to flick that switch, to shine the light on all the reasons why you’re better off without them. They say that when it clicks you feel a new lease of life, a ‘screw you’ attitude, determined to show the world you were always better off without them.
The truth is no matter how much someone else shines their light on the imperfections, you don’t listen. They don’t know them like you do, they weren’t there when you saw them cry. They don’t understand because they didn’t know the half. You want to shine your own light on the imperfections but it’s overshadowed by your love for that one person, so you sit alone blind and in the dark. Just wishing you could flick that switch.
That moment when you hear them laugh, see them smile and realise that they are happy now without you. That laugh isn’t the same anymore, it means nothing now. It used to mean so much, like their smile and their eyes. But now it’s like you’re staring at a stranger, and all you think is ‘what have you done with the person that I once knew’. I don’t know you anymore.
You want to hate them for leaving you when you needed them the most, you want to hurt them like they hurt you. To make them understand how it feels to be thrown away. But you can’t, because you don’t wish what you feel upon anybody. If you could only hate them it wouldn’t hurt so much. You could be angry and move on. If only you could explain to them that you still care. But they don’t want to listen, they don’t want you. He doesn’t want you.
So I sit. Waiting for that click. I hope it clicks soon. I’m tired, so tired.